why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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