got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
