he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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