Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
