I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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