Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
All the doctor said was why
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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