just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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