2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
