Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
