Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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