It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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