I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
