i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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