I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
