I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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