ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
