Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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