Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
