Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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