Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
