Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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