At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
