Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
