This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
