First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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