You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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