Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
