you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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