DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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