today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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