Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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