is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
