I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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