A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
