you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
