Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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