Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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