I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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