Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
