Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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