Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Four minutes until I can fart!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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