Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
