Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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