I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I am one with the molecules
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
