So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
