I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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