If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
