Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
