Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
