I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Randomize
